How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
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Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
How I like cutting carbs
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”