“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
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If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
my one true gender
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus