what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
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When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.