My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
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(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?