while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
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Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?