I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
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Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.