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“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Finally! 😈