During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
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Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?