Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
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When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.