Where’s my employee discount too?
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*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Is….Is this an option?
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
The answer is funnier than the question
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.