My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
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Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.