Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
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Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Me when my alarm goes off
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Good morning, Twitter 😊
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave