Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
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That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Once again not all heroes wear capes
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names