Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
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GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face