Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
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10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
🌱🌱🌱
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
A friend helps you before you need it
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.