wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
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Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I am using the Netflix account of my
鈥ittle sister’s
鈥rom date’s
鈥x girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what鈥檚 my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Is….Is this an option?
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 馃檪
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.