“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
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My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese