I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
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I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now