‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
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me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
The “baby” on the left….
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.