date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
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Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
is this a threat
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.