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No-one: I can hear screaming
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Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today