ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
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daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight