I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
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I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
ok like just. call me at this point
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one