2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
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The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”