I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
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The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.