When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
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me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?