Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
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I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.