Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
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Checkmate, Flat Earthers
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Growing out my freckles.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb