Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
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“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT