Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
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Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I need better friends
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I was bored.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*