12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
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We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
courtroom exchange of the day
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.