They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
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Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Dance like you’re not the father
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally