Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
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* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
how to have an accident 101
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.