It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
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My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Someone just threatened to call me later
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.