My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
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As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
My birthstone is kidney
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.