If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
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just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
pep talk
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
that lip filler tho
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”