Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
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I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
…u ok Nintendo?
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it