What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
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Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT