Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
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Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.