Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
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Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night