On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
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Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you