I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
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Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
are there any atheist mantises?
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.