The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
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PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.