Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
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A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.