{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
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My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.