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My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.