Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
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Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes