WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
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Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit