At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
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Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.