The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
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Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
I was bored.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
HERE’S MARKY
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice